The Misunderstood Outcast

I am sitting here at my twin’s apartment thinking this world is confusing. I never know when to react or how to read the signs on the wall. I find that I am misunderstood most of the time and my heart has been beaten’ so much, I am unsure if it will ever truly recover.

I am so afraid of being myself that I just keep quiet and have never let my true feelings out or have let myself express myself too much. Even though, I have the gift of the gab. I find myself wondering if I will ever feel safe to let my hair down, so to speak.

I find that life is one of those mysteries and some of us get trapped in the confusion, while others just seem to know what they are doing all the time. I truly feel like those that seem to get it are really like all the rest of us who do not, they just have a better way of hiding their fears.

Are our fears truly that powerful?

I would have to say yes! I have been mistaken for my actions so much in life that I feel like I have shut down and only let a little of myself out at a time.

There are a few people in my life that I open myself up to or at least the parts that I allow them to see. There are a few people in my life that I can be completely open with but still they do not see every side of me. There is always a side of the coin hidden out of fear.

I always feel that if I put myself out there completely that only pain will come.

My problem is my impulsiveness, which always gets the best of me. I want to be liked by everyone. I guess this is because there are very few people out there that I do not like. I feel like I am very excepting of others but others are not as excepting of me.

I started this life off with extreme difficulties in trusting others. I believe that has to do with my past abuse and being the outcast at school.

I am so good at understanding the outcast side that I actually am writing a book about a girl who is sheltered in life and has always been the outcast. This book shows her fears as she lets herself come out of that shell. I really wanted to show that part. In addition, each character in the book is a piece of me.

I have recently finished chapter two but I am afraid to continue because I do not want others to hate it. I am afraid that other people will not like my work, I have already put so many hours into it, and so much of myself that it would be devastating to say the least. I have however had a few friends who have read or heard pieces of it and have said they enjoyed it.

The problem I have is how do we know when someone is being truthful and not just trying to spare our feelings. I know that the friends that I have introduced it to would be able to give their honest insight but still I am afraid that they are just being nice.

I guess this world would never truly be understood by anyone. I know I will never completely understand it. I also feel that no one will truly understand me.

The one thing I want most in this world is to be loved for who I am. I did not know what love was until I was adopted.

Now, I guess I crave it because I never really had it before I was adopted and now that I am an adult I want to taste that different kind of love. Maybe someday I might get that chance.

Hope all of you are well. May your soul be filled with peace today and each of you knows at least one type of love.

The Misunderstood Outcast,

Jalopy

P.S. I had no idea what to title this!